Saturday, June 27, 2015
I gotta be honest, it’s tiring as a queer bisexual girl to see the cis white gays waving their Pride flags and talking about just marriage equality, acting like this is the one and only fight of the LGBT community. They never once mention the issues that transgender people face, never once talk about bisexual erasure, and pretty much never discuss things beyond the “L” and “G” of LGBT. Not to mention the whole leaving out QPOC.
Again, not shitting on the victory that is marriage equality. But I’ve got a double whammy being a queer bisexual girl, and my identity is often erased in the LGBT community. My partner’s identity is even more erased. Our issues are rarely discussed. How often have you heard others in the "L" and "G" part of the community being super vocal about trans issues, like access to restrooms and proper medical care? I know, just because someone doesn’t speak up about something doesn’t mean they don’t care about it, per se. But when they act like the marriage equality movement is the main issue in the LGBT community, it ticks me off. Because people are dying, yet how often do you hear about trans suicide rates? Where’s the outrage over this? Do they realize that there's no marriage to look forward to if most of us are dead?
Yes, I’m grumpy and cynical as hell. But I’m tired of this homonormative world that erases queer and trans people.
Jason Cantrell had a good point in this blog post: "The Supreme Court may have given everyone the right to marry, but there are still a lot of places where transgender individuals don’t have the right to use a public restroom. And there’s still a lot of people who have to hide who they are, for fear of being attacked by “good moral Christians” and “proud patriotic Americans” who see anything outside of their binary, heteronormative world as a threat to their lifestyles. And I don’t know what to do about that. And it scares me."
So, yes, marriage equality is great and I’m excited for it. But this is just the beginning. We have so much more to work on. I hope that we continue to make progress and keep working on the issues that affects those in the community who don’t fall under the “L” and “G” of LGBT.
Monday, June 22, 2015
I'm not comfortable explaining why I'm this way. I know what's wrong with me, I know damn well why I'm depressed and have wanted to kill myself in the past. But I can't talk about it publicly, at least not on blogs my mom knows that I write for and under my actual name. If certain people knew about the physical and emotional trauma I've been through, I don't know how they'd react. Especially when it comes to my mom. She's tried asking about it before, but I can't open up to her. Not yet. It's all still too...fresh. I have to deal with the pain every day and sometimes I feel like I'm going to explode. I look around me and wonder how no one can see that there's something wrong with me. Maybe my smile's too convincing.
Maybe it's because no one sees the days where I'm curled up in my room, shaking and trying not to cry. Trying not to cut. Trying not to give up. Because I still remember everything, or most of it. What's put together of my broken memories paints some scary shit.
I feel trapped. Because beyond anonymously writing for other blogs and frantically DMing certain friends only to quickly clear out the conversation in hopes my mom doesn't see it, I can't tell anyone else. It'd made everything fall apart. Things would get worse. I'm not sure if everyone would believe me, or believe just how badly I've been affected by what happened.
So I'm quiet, but it's killing me.
Tuesday, May 26, 2015
My mental health isn't getting any better. The good days were enough to trick me into thinking so, but y'know what? I was wrong. I'm not getting better. And that's really scary for me, because I know how far I'm capable of going when I relapse. Sometimes there's no coming back from that place.
I'm sitting here on Twitter while I write this blog post, trying to find someone to interact with and distract myself. I'm trying to think of funny jokes I could make. Maybe throw in some TWSS jokes somewhere. Get someone to talk to me so I can stop dwelling on all the bullshit in my life right now.
I'm hurting and I'm scared.
Monday, May 25, 2015
Hi, world. I'm Kelley. I'm a 17 year old with depression and anxiety. I've wanted to kill myself before, and I can't tell you how often I've wanted to hurt myself. I'm your stereotypical loner girl who doesn't really have any close friends, except those she's met over the internet.
I've tried writing this blog post more times than I can count. There's drafts of this on my Drive, uncompleted and shared only with my partner. Most of it starts now nice and concise, like this blog post has so far, then dissolves into a rambly, emotional mess. I never have the energy to finish them, much less clean them up and make them less...broken. I write the way I think. To try and edit that into a concise form removes the meaning of my words. Sterilizes them.
It's 1 in the morning and I don't even know if what I've written so far makes any sense. I've been talking on Twitter tonight to some lovely ladies about depression and anxiety. It's a conversation that, while relieving to finally have so openly, has left me a little frustrated. Because the stuff I tweeted about in that conversation is stuff I've been trying to put into a blog post for ages. Or, at least, convey to my mother face-to-face. That never happens, obviously. She still doesn't know why I'm so depressed and anxious sometimes.
And honestly, I don't even know why a lot of the time. I have no explanation for the gray clouds and the odd, awkward bouts of omg too much energy got to do something why won't everyone leave me alone why can't I do anything. It's a fucking roller coaster. I can go from wanting to cut myself and die in a hole to I have to do all the things otherwise I'm a shitty human being.
It doesn't make sense. Nothing makes any fucking sense anymore. Not the paranoia, the depression, the anxiety, the strange tendencies that I think are obsessive-compulsive disorder. It's scary to have none of it make sense, because if it doesn't make sense, how do I fix it? Is there any fixing it? Or do I just have to deal with this for the rest of my life and just cope to the best of my abilities?
I don't know what to do.
Sunday, April 26, 2015
Monday, April 13, 2015
Saturday, April 11, 2015
Sunday, April 5, 2015
The RFRA hashtag is a mixture of trashy, disgusting tweets comparing the LGBT rights movement to Nazi Germany, and then tweets from people in the LGBT, Christian, and LGBT Christian communities who strongly oppose the bill. I try not to read through the RFRA tweets that much unless they're from my friends, because the rampant homophobia exhibited by some Christians is absolutely sickening. (Not to mention depressing!)
Still, despite all the bigotry and steaming hatred coming from some parts from the conservative Christian community, I do have some conservative Christian friends. We may have theological differences, but we still (respectfully) debate the gay marriage argument. And more than that? We discuss morality, divine salvation, equal rights, and love. They treat the LGBT community (and myself) like people instead of mere sex acts.
Friday, March 27, 2015
Locking down feels like running away when things get tough. I feel like I'm being a coward. After all, it's *just* Twitter...right?
Twitter wasn't supposed to be a place where I'm afraid to express myself because I have this *paranoid* fear that people from my real life are stalking my tweets and laughing at what I post. I've gone through enough of being laughed at in person. I don't want to experience from them online.
Why is it that I can deal with hordes of random internet trolls but I can hardly deal with real life people stalking me?
Why are real life people giving me so much BS? :(
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
But it's hard to do a lot of things when you feel worthless, disgusting, lonely, and like everyone is always making fun of you while simultaneously shunning you from every social circle.
Everyone keeps telling me that I should have self-esteem, that I'm some amazing human being or something. A few people have even called me a badass. Not sure why. What's so badass about an awkward, nerdy introverted teenage girl who is barely paid attention to because she's such a weirdo?
I don't understand why anyone sees anything special about me at this point, because I've messed up a lot of stuff lately.
I just want to be a good person. I don't have to fit in. God knows that's never going to be a possibility for me. But I'm just tired of messing up. I'm tired of people not liking me.
I don't know what to do at this point. No one needs nor wants my angsty Twitter rants. Maybe I should just take lots of hot showers (hot as in steam, thank you very much, dirty-minded people. ;P) this week and take some time for myself. This bout of bleh will end eventually.
Thursday, March 19, 2015
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
I know he's at peace, and I am too.
Monday, March 16, 2015
Sunday, March 15, 2015
Friday, March 13, 2015
I got some blog post ideas that I've been trying to work on, but they're not going anywhere. I have my suspicions as to why (gloomy weather, lack of self-esteem, anxiety over coming out and wondering if it was a mistake), but knowing why isn't helping anything. My blog posts (asides from this one) aren't getting written. They're just sitting in my damn Google Drive, unfinished, which irks the hell out of me.
I want to be useful. I want to do something with my life. I'm tired of being the stupid little kid who's really shy and ends up slurring her speech when she does actually end up talking, therefore sounding like the biggest idiot ever. I'm tired of having anxiety. I'm tired of being afraid. I'm tired of people using me as a doormat, then playing victim when I scream at them for stepping on me and hurting me. I'm tired of being ostracized and ignored. I'm tired of feeling like I'm nothing. I'm tired of being stupid and useless.
So yeah. There you have it.