Wednesday, October 29, 2014

"Are You Okay?" No, no I am not. (TW: Suicide...)

I'm going to be honest. 100% honest. I'm not going to downplay anything anymore. I'm going to tell it like it is, no matter how much it hurts. 
I'm hurting. I've been suffering from urges to self-harm and the occasional suicidal fantasy. There are some people around me right now who've treated me in a negative way because they don't like me since they know the truth of who I am; my identity, what and who I'll always be. Only two people who know the truth are still my friends and are still willing to treat me the same way they did before they figured out the truth.
My dad died 42 days ago. I keep dreaming of him. I miss him so much.
My relationship to my mother is breaking down more and more. I'm tired of fighting with her. I'm tired of her wanting me to be something I'm not. I'm tired of hearing that she told my siblings that she doesn't want them going through the same phase and path that I'm going through. I know what she's talking about. And it makes me upset. Not all of my choices in the past year have been negative ones. Becoming my own person and not a mini-her isn't a bad thing.
My best friend left me earlier this month because she discovered my sexuality. And yes, for those of you who don't know, I'm bisexual. For my real life Twitter buddies, if you didn't know this, well...I'd say I'm sorry, but I'm not. It's no one's business unless I decide otherwise. Right now, I'm just going to come out and say it so we can get any drama over with: I'm bisexual. If you have a problem with it, just go. I'm tired of being treated like I'm the bad guy for hiding this from people.
So for those of you who've been asking if I'm's my answer. And it's no. I'm sorry I haven't been more honest and said that I wasn't, but I'm trying to be a brave person.
That brave mask has cracked.