The Bible Condemns Me, Yet I'm Fucking Queer

Religious homophobia is a tricky thing.

As a Christian, I know where conservative straight Christians are coming from. I’ve read the Bible verses. I know why they believe what they believe.

But I’m queer. I also have to deal with the fact that, even though the Bible condemns homosexuality, I’m very fucking queer. There’s nothing that’s going to change that. I cannot deny my attractions to those who don’t fall within the rigid, cis/heteronormative male binary. There is no off switch.

I cannot squeeze myself into a cis/heteronormative box, either. I cannot pretend. Being in the closet hurts too much. In denying myself, I’m saying that my true self is wrong. That’s damaging.

Homophobia tells us that we're less. That we're broken and stupid and worthless. And for those of us who are Christians, it makes us question our salvation. An eternal, peaceful afterlife is something a lot of us look forward to. But when we’re told that an innate part of us will damn us to eternal misery...that fucking hurts.

I feel lost. Hurt. Broken. Damaged. Unloved.

This has to change. Please.

Sometimes, I Regret Coming Out

Sometimes, I regret coming out.

I’m only in the beginning stages of my coming out, so I suspect that this regret will occur time and time again. Some days I may say, fuck yeah, this was a great decision! I feel so empowered! Other days? They’ll feel like this.

People have had negative reactions. I wasn’t naive enough to think this wouldn’t happen. But I’ve underestimated how badly it would hurt. I wasn’t prepared for the intense loneliness I would feel, and how bad some days would get. Just a day or two ago, I was really depressed because I was like, yo, people really hate me more than I originally thought. I felt trapped again, and honestly, who wouldn’t? I’m in that stereotypical “teenager stuck in a small town full of narrow-minded, mean people” situation. And it really fucking sucks.

It’s difficult for me because even though I turn seventeen in a couple of days, I’m still not a legal adult. I’m stuck here until I get a job and a driver’s license. But then again, not even a job is enough to secure my leaving.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not itching to leave town just because of a couple of bad reactions. But sometimes, I’m just overwhelmed with how small this place is and how easy it’ll be for word to spread around concerning my “deviant” sexuality. I mean, assuming word hasn’t spread around already. If not in the overall town, then in my homeschool community, maybe. Then even more ostracization could occur.

It’s a gut-wrenching thought.

I do honestly wonder what things would’ve been like if I hadn’t come out. Would I have continued to pass invisible through my communities? No one can find much to gossip about when it comes to a shy girl. A shy, queer girl on the other hand…

*sigh*

I don’t know how things are going to keep turning out. I’m not blasting news of my sexuality off the rooftops of churches and won’t be any time soon, so I think that as long as most “IRL people” don’t find my Twitter, I’ll be okay. And, y’know, assuming Stalker Dance Mom and her girls aren’t gossiping with the rest of the community about my sexuality.

Yeah, this should get...interesting.

Struggling With Writing...Everything

I’m struggling tonight. Have been struggling for over a week now. I’ve tried writing various pieces on many different topics, some so close to my heart that I can’t share them on this blog. But I keep failing. I get blocked, don’t know how to continue, or think the idea I was pursuing is utter shit. I’m stuck in a vicious circle of starting, not finishing, then starting another piece...failing again to finish either piece…

It’s discouraging, really. Because I want to be a better writer. I want to get more of my stuff out there, but I can’t if I never finish it. I don’t know if what I’m trying to write about is just too heavy, or if my attention span is just utter crap at the moment. But I need to finish something.

Maybe someone should come threaten me and give me a deadline to at least finish a first draft of something? ;)

A Queer Christian Homeschooler's Thoughts on RFRA

Besides the Gamergate hashtag (eww), I've never seen something tweeted about so much in my feed. Nor have I witnessed such blatant ignorance and homophobia.

The RFRA hashtag is a mixture of trashy, disgusting tweets comparing the LGBT rights movement to Nazi Germany, and then tweets from people in the LGBT, Christian, and LGBT Christian communities who strongly oppose the bill. I try not to read through the RFRA tweets that much unless they're from my friends, because the rampant homophobia exhibited by some Christians is absolutely sickening. (Not to mention depressing!)

Another reason why I'm not in it much? Because there's a lot more screaming at each other than there is people actually listening.

The "Christian vs. LGBT" debate has always been a popular one. (And an especially difficult one for us LGBT Christians.) Whether it's conservative politicians comparing homosexuality to bestality, or LGBT rights movement leaders talking about how bigoted the conservative Christian side is, there's always someone with an opinion. And it's not always pretty. Either side is always met with a crapload of backlash. Instead of having civil discussions, some resort to name-calling and more bigotry. Hardly any of us actually sit down and have a well thought out discussion.

So as a queer Christian teenager, here's what I have to say:

Many conservative Christians are never going to change their theological beliefs when it comes to how LGBT people should be treated. Sure, not all conservatives maintain the same theology over the course of their lives. Some of them do change and become more loving to the LGBT community even if theologically, they don't agree with their sexuality. But for those who don't? They're not going to back down. They believe that their theology is the end-all when it comes to the topic of homosexuality. They believe that their theology should be what America takes its laws from. (Pretty damn scary thought, if you've read Leviticus.)

For me, the problem doesn't lie within their theology, per se. People having theological differences and disputes is normal, healthy even. But it becomes a problem when a Christian uses their theology to bash the LGBT community. A Christian's individual belief system cannot (and should not) apply to the rest of humanity. Not everyone is the same! Not everyone is Christian, or is even religious. The idea that we need to have people governed by Christian ideas of morality just isn't going to work out.

Still, despite all the bigotry and steaming hatred coming from some parts from the conservative Christian community, I do have some conservative Christian friends. We may have theological differences, but we still (respectfully) debate the gay marriage argument. And more than that? We discuss morality, divine salvation, equal rights, and love. They treat the LGBT community (and myself) like people instead of mere sex acts.

Why can't more Christians be like this? It would make things a whole lot easier, and honestly, I think we would get a whole lot more productive discussion done.

So in the end, when it comes to RFRA? Personally, I'm not a big fan. People shouldn't be able to discriminate in the name of religion. The people responsible for this bill here in Georgia and Indiana need to add non-discrimination policies to the bill that extend to the LGBT community too. I think it's possible to have LGBT rights and (the true kind of) religious freedom co-existing. Or maybe I'm just naive...

4 AM Thoughts RE: Locking Down

Locking down feels like running away when things get tough. I feel like I'm being a coward. After all, it's *just* Twitter...right?

Twitter wasn't supposed to be a place where I'm afraid to express myself because I have this *paranoid* fear that people from my real life are stalking my tweets and laughing at what I post. I've gone through enough of being laughed at in person. I don't want to experience from them online.

Why is it that I can deal with hordes of random internet trolls but I can hardly deal with real life people stalking me?

Why are real life people giving me so much BS? :(

And here we go again...

I'm supposed to be writing a piece for Stigma Fighters. I'm supposed to be keeping up with strengthening my ankles during the week because I'm a pointe dancer. I'm supposed to be doing...a lot of things.

But it's hard to do a lot of things when you feel worthless, disgusting, lonely, and like everyone is always making fun of you while simultaneously shunning you from every social circle.

Everyone keeps telling me that I should have self-esteem, that I'm some amazing human being or something. A few people have even called me a badass. Not sure why. What's so badass about an awkward, nerdy introverted teenage girl who is barely paid attention to because she's such a weirdo?

I don't understand why anyone sees anything special about me at this point, because I've messed up a lot of stuff lately.

I just want to be a good person. I don't have to fit in. God knows that's never going to be a possibility for me. But I'm just tired of messing up. I'm tired of people not liking me.

I don't know what to do at this point. No one needs nor wants my angsty Twitter rants. Maybe I should just take lots of hot showers (hot as in steam, thank you very much, dirty-minded people. ;P) this week and take some time for myself. This bout of bleh will end eventually.

Dear 13 Year Old Kelley: We Love You

Dear 13 year old Kelley,

I love you. We all love you.

I know that with where you’re at right at, this is impossible for you to comprehend. You’re scared, and I don’t blame you. You’ve been raised a certain way all of your life and to go against that is terrifying. I know that you’re trying to pray it away. I know that you’re still acting really homophobic because you’re scared that accepting yourself will mean you spend an eternity in Hell.

Sweetheart, that is so far from the truth.

You’re not an abnormality. You’re not disgusting. You don’t have to frantically pray and ask God to forgive you when you have sexual thoughts about another girl. God still loves you.

Three years from now, you’re going to be doing amazing things. You’re going to meet people just like you. You’re going to accept yourself and start a blog. You’re gonna make mistakes along the way, but it’s okay. That’s how you learn.

There are people who love you. These people are going to support you in ways you never expected. Complete strangers are going to stand by your side when your longtime friends suddenly dump you. Hey, it is going to hurt when people leave. I’m not going to pretend that it’s all glitter and rainbows. There’s some really mean people that you have in your life right now that are going to backstab you later on. You don’t know that yet. You’re still working on fitting in with them, still trying to be that good fundie Christian girl. You’re ignoring everything that’s real about you. You’re ignoring your sexuality because you believe that even a same-sex sexual fantasy is a sin.

But you know what? It’s okay. It’s okay for you to be afraid. It’s okay for you to try and fit in. Because even though it’s a huge mistake, you’ll learn a lot from it later on. Right now, I look back at you and know that you’re at the beginning of an amazing journey. It’ll be scary, but it’s worth it. I promise.

There are people here waiting for you with open arms. They affirm your identity. They love you.

Remember: You’re queer. You’re Christian. You’re amazing.

You’re worth it.