The Bible Condemns Me, Yet I'm Fucking Queer

Religious homophobia is a tricky thing.

As a Christian, I know where conservative straight Christians are coming from. I’ve read the Bible verses. I know why they believe what they believe.

But I’m queer. I also have to deal with the fact that, even though the Bible condemns homosexuality, I’m very fucking queer. There’s nothing that’s going to change that. I cannot deny my attractions to those who don’t fall within the rigid, cis/heteronormative male binary. There is no off switch.

I cannot squeeze myself into a cis/heteronormative box, either. I cannot pretend. Being in the closet hurts too much. In denying myself, I’m saying that my true self is wrong. That’s damaging.

Homophobia tells us that we're less. That we're broken and stupid and worthless. And for those of us who are Christians, it makes us question our salvation. An eternal, peaceful afterlife is something a lot of us look forward to. But when we’re told that an innate part of us will damn us to eternal misery...that fucking hurts.

I feel lost. Hurt. Broken. Damaged. Unloved.

This has to change. Please.

4 AM Thoughts RE: Locking Down

Locking down feels like running away when things get tough. I feel like I'm being a coward. After all, it's *just* Twitter...right?

Twitter wasn't supposed to be a place where I'm afraid to express myself because I have this *paranoid* fear that people from my real life are stalking my tweets and laughing at what I post. I've gone through enough of being laughed at in person. I don't want to experience from them online.

Why is it that I can deal with hordes of random internet trolls but I can hardly deal with real life people stalking me?

Why are real life people giving me so much BS? :(

Dear 13 Year Old Kelley: We Love You

Dear 13 year old Kelley,

I love you. We all love you.

I know that with where you’re at right at, this is impossible for you to comprehend. You’re scared, and I don’t blame you. You’ve been raised a certain way all of your life and to go against that is terrifying. I know that you’re trying to pray it away. I know that you’re still acting really homophobic because you’re scared that accepting yourself will mean you spend an eternity in Hell.

Sweetheart, that is so far from the truth.

You’re not an abnormality. You’re not disgusting. You don’t have to frantically pray and ask God to forgive you when you have sexual thoughts about another girl. God still loves you.

Three years from now, you’re going to be doing amazing things. You’re going to meet people just like you. You’re going to accept yourself and start a blog. You’re gonna make mistakes along the way, but it’s okay. That’s how you learn.

There are people who love you. These people are going to support you in ways you never expected. Complete strangers are going to stand by your side when your longtime friends suddenly dump you. Hey, it is going to hurt when people leave. I’m not going to pretend that it’s all glitter and rainbows. There’s some really mean people that you have in your life right now that are going to backstab you later on. You don’t know that yet. You’re still working on fitting in with them, still trying to be that good fundie Christian girl. You’re ignoring everything that’s real about you. You’re ignoring your sexuality because you believe that even a same-sex sexual fantasy is a sin.

But you know what? It’s okay. It’s okay for you to be afraid. It’s okay for you to try and fit in. Because even though it’s a huge mistake, you’ll learn a lot from it later on. Right now, I look back at you and know that you’re at the beginning of an amazing journey. It’ll be scary, but it’s worth it. I promise.

There are people here waiting for you with open arms. They affirm your identity. They love you.

Remember: You’re queer. You’re Christian. You’re amazing.

You’re worth it.

Implications of Coming Out: The Beginning

On Twitter, I’ve been talking a lot about coming out and the implications of it. My Twitter friends have been supporting me wholeheartedly, especially one in particular. They’ve been a huge source of support throughout all of this. They’re still closeted, but they’re always here for me when I need the extra push so I won’t give up. AND they’ve talked me through countless panic attacks. I know that if the time ever comes for them to come out, I’ll support them through it too.

But even though I have the full support of my Twitter friends, I know getting support from my IRL circles...won’t be so easy.

People from my IRL circles have access to my Twitter feed. Either I get followed (that’s rare) or someone happens to run across my tweets because of our mutual followers (my youth pastor has a Twitter account, and all of the youth group follows his account. Therefore, when he tweets me, they can see what my handle is and some of my tweets are.) Judging by some of the unfollows I’ve gotten recently, some of them are aware of my sexuality now.

I know not everyone agrees on the "issue" of homo/bisexuality, and I'm okay with that. It just becomes a problem when they start excluding people in the LGBT community simply because of our sexuality and/or gender expression. They believe we're sinners and shun us. A Christ-like attitude? Hell no. But a prevalent attitude around here nonetheless.

So you can understand why I have some reservations about going to youth group this upcoming Wednesday night. I don't expect people to be coming after me with pitchforks and torches, but I'm not exactly expecting a warm welcome. It all depends on who's seen what and who's told who.

Yeah. Keep me in your thoughts or prayers or whatever magical thing you like to do to give people good vibes and luck. I haven't been this nervous about going to youth group in a long time.

(Oh, and as of the writing of this post: One of the girls from my studio followed me earlier. Neither of us tweeted each other or interacted beyond her following me. Two hours later, she blocked me. I don't have to guess why.)

Love Thy Queer Neighbor

(KJV) Mark 12:31 And the second is like, namely this, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these.

While browsing the internet back a couple of months ago, I ran across someone by the name of Steven Anderson, a pastor in Arizona. Someone had uploaded a video of his sermon from November 30th 2014 called “Pastor calls for killing gays to end AIDs”

Despite the scary title, I was intrigued and watched the video anyways. This is one of the things he said:

“Because if you executed the homos like God recommends, you wouldn’t have all this AIDs running rampant.”

There’s a lot of problems with this so-called sermon (especially with that quote), but the one I want to address is love. Or rather, lack thereof.

In the NT, Jesus preaches a lot of love. Lots of love. Lots of forgiveness. Way different from the OT.  He gave us an example to follow, yet how many of us actively work to emulate His example? I’m not saying we’re going to be able to maintain that example 24/7. We’re only human. But I think that for those of y’all that are in leadership positions within the Christian ministry, y’all need to work extra hard. You’re in a position where you’re (supposed to be) representing God and Their Word. You need to be thinking real hard about your sermons. What sort of message are you sending out to the world? What image of God are you giving others? (Non-believers included.)

Because I personally don’t see how demeaning people by throwing out slurs and telling them that they should be stoned in order to have an “AIDs-free Christmas” is going to bring them to God. And for those of us who are both gay and Christian or bi and Christian, how do you think we feel? Some of us are still struggling to accept our intersecting identities as gay or bisexual Christians. Your hateful (and frankly, quite frightening) rhetoric isn’t helping matters. If anything, we feel even more rejected and lost. By screaming for our deaths, you’re not bringing us any closer to God. Why? Because the only attitude you’re exhibiting is hate, and since you’re a man or woman of God, then God must also hate us. Or so we think.

I’d like to ask pastors like Steven Anderson to consider what they’re saying, and maybe, hopefully, seek out some civil discourse with those in the LGBT and LGBT Christian communities. See what our side of the story is. See that we’re not really all that scary. Some of us profess the same faith in God that you do.

And above all, follow the words of James 1:19-20: Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.