This is Just The Beginning

In the words of Eliel Cruz, “I didn’t want to exchange a white heteronormative world for a white homonormative one.”

I gotta be honest, it’s tiring as a queer bisexual girl to see the cis white gays waving their Pride flags and talking about just marriage equality, acting like this is the one and only fight of the LGBT community. They never once mention the issues that transgender people face, never once talk about bisexual erasure, and pretty much never discuss things beyond the “L” and “G” of LGBT. Not to mention the whole leaving out QPOC.

Again, not shitting on the victory that is marriage equality. But I’ve got a double whammy being a queer bisexual girl, and my identity is often erased in the LGBT community. My partner’s identity is even more erased. Our issues are rarely discussed. How often have you heard others in the "L" and "G" part of the community being super vocal about trans issues, like access to restrooms and proper medical care? I know, just because someone doesn’t speak up about something doesn’t mean they don’t care about it, per se. But when they act like the marriage equality movement is the main issue in the LGBT community, it ticks me off. Because people are dying, yet how often do you hear about trans suicide rates?  Where’s the outrage over this? Do they realize that there's no marriage to look forward to if most of us are dead?

Yes, I’m grumpy and cynical as hell. But I’m tired of this homonormative world that erases queer and trans people.

Jason Cantrell had a good point in this blog post: "The Supreme Court may have given everyone the right to marry, but there are still a lot of places where transgender individuals don’t have the right to use a public restroom. And there’s still a lot of people who have to hide who they are, for fear of being attacked by “good moral Christians” and “proud patriotic Americans” who see anything outside of their binary, heteronormative world as a threat to their lifestyles. And I don’t know what to do about that. And it scares me."

So, yes, marriage equality is great and I’m excited for it. But this is just the beginning. We have so much more to work on. I hope that we continue to make progress and keep working on the issues that affects those in the community who don’t fall under the “L” and “G” of LGBT.

The Bible Condemns Me, Yet I'm Fucking Queer

Religious homophobia is a tricky thing.

As a Christian, I know where conservative straight Christians are coming from. I’ve read the Bible verses. I know why they believe what they believe.

But I’m queer. I also have to deal with the fact that, even though the Bible condemns homosexuality, I’m very fucking queer. There’s nothing that’s going to change that. I cannot deny my attractions to those who don’t fall within the rigid, cis/heteronormative male binary. There is no off switch.

I cannot squeeze myself into a cis/heteronormative box, either. I cannot pretend. Being in the closet hurts too much. In denying myself, I’m saying that my true self is wrong. That’s damaging.

Homophobia tells us that we're less. That we're broken and stupid and worthless. And for those of us who are Christians, it makes us question our salvation. An eternal, peaceful afterlife is something a lot of us look forward to. But when we’re told that an innate part of us will damn us to eternal misery...that fucking hurts.

I feel lost. Hurt. Broken. Damaged. Unloved.

This has to change. Please.

Sometimes, I Regret Coming Out

Sometimes, I regret coming out.

I’m only in the beginning stages of my coming out, so I suspect that this regret will occur time and time again. Some days I may say, fuck yeah, this was a great decision! I feel so empowered! Other days? They’ll feel like this.

People have had negative reactions. I wasn’t naive enough to think this wouldn’t happen. But I’ve underestimated how badly it would hurt. I wasn’t prepared for the intense loneliness I would feel, and how bad some days would get. Just a day or two ago, I was really depressed because I was like, yo, people really hate me more than I originally thought. I felt trapped again, and honestly, who wouldn’t? I’m in that stereotypical “teenager stuck in a small town full of narrow-minded, mean people” situation. And it really fucking sucks.

It’s difficult for me because even though I turn seventeen in a couple of days, I’m still not a legal adult. I’m stuck here until I get a job and a driver’s license. But then again, not even a job is enough to secure my leaving.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not itching to leave town just because of a couple of bad reactions. But sometimes, I’m just overwhelmed with how small this place is and how easy it’ll be for word to spread around concerning my “deviant” sexuality. I mean, assuming word hasn’t spread around already. If not in the overall town, then in my homeschool community, maybe. Then even more ostracization could occur.

It’s a gut-wrenching thought.

I do honestly wonder what things would’ve been like if I hadn’t come out. Would I have continued to pass invisible through my communities? No one can find much to gossip about when it comes to a shy girl. A shy, queer girl on the other hand…

*sigh*

I don’t know how things are going to keep turning out. I’m not blasting news of my sexuality off the rooftops of churches and won’t be any time soon, so I think that as long as most “IRL people” don’t find my Twitter, I’ll be okay. And, y’know, assuming Stalker Dance Mom and her girls aren’t gossiping with the rest of the community about my sexuality.

Yeah, this should get...interesting.

Dear 13 Year Old Kelley: We Love You

Dear 13 year old Kelley,

I love you. We all love you.

I know that with where you’re at right at, this is impossible for you to comprehend. You’re scared, and I don’t blame you. You’ve been raised a certain way all of your life and to go against that is terrifying. I know that you’re trying to pray it away. I know that you’re still acting really homophobic because you’re scared that accepting yourself will mean you spend an eternity in Hell.

Sweetheart, that is so far from the truth.

You’re not an abnormality. You’re not disgusting. You don’t have to frantically pray and ask God to forgive you when you have sexual thoughts about another girl. God still loves you.

Three years from now, you’re going to be doing amazing things. You’re going to meet people just like you. You’re going to accept yourself and start a blog. You’re gonna make mistakes along the way, but it’s okay. That’s how you learn.

There are people who love you. These people are going to support you in ways you never expected. Complete strangers are going to stand by your side when your longtime friends suddenly dump you. Hey, it is going to hurt when people leave. I’m not going to pretend that it’s all glitter and rainbows. There’s some really mean people that you have in your life right now that are going to backstab you later on. You don’t know that yet. You’re still working on fitting in with them, still trying to be that good fundie Christian girl. You’re ignoring everything that’s real about you. You’re ignoring your sexuality because you believe that even a same-sex sexual fantasy is a sin.

But you know what? It’s okay. It’s okay for you to be afraid. It’s okay for you to try and fit in. Because even though it’s a huge mistake, you’ll learn a lot from it later on. Right now, I look back at you and know that you’re at the beginning of an amazing journey. It’ll be scary, but it’s worth it. I promise.

There are people here waiting for you with open arms. They affirm your identity. They love you.

Remember: You’re queer. You’re Christian. You’re amazing.

You’re worth it.

Coming Out: A Quick Update

These past two weeks have really taken their toll on me. Despite the amazing support of my Twitter friends, I was still feeling a little down. And scared. And anxious. I’d mentioned a few times on Twitter about how the thought of going to youth group for the first time since coming out terrified me. Even though I’d *only* come out online, teens and adults in the church have access to my feed. I know some of them have seen my tweets and blog posts by now.

Besides one person from my church unfollowing me and other person blocking me, no one had really had a big reaction yet. Then I logged on Twitter last night. My youth pastor had DMed me. Here’s what he said:

“Kelley, I can't imagine the struggles you are facing and I'm not going to pretend to. This world is driven by hate. You see it in the media, it's either sexual orientation, race or political, the only thing that can drive out hate is love! I'm here for you. I will be praying for you and your family.”

By the time I’d finished reading, I was shaking. That wasn’t the response I’d expected at all, especially from him.

He accepts me just as I am.

Was his reaction unexpected? Hell yes. Down here in the South, the majority of people I know have staunch beliefs on homosexuality. Even though he moved here from PA, I thought he’d have a “love the sinner but tell them how wrong they are” mentality. But so far, apparently not.

His DMs made this past week worth it. Initially, I hadn’t expected that sort of support. But after so much rejection, his acceptance made me ecstatic. While I'm hoping for more positive outcomes like this, I know the vitriolic reactions are inevitable. But we'll see how it goes. :)

Implications of Coming Out: The Beginning

On Twitter, I’ve been talking a lot about coming out and the implications of it. My Twitter friends have been supporting me wholeheartedly, especially one in particular. They’ve been a huge source of support throughout all of this. They’re still closeted, but they’re always here for me when I need the extra push so I won’t give up. AND they’ve talked me through countless panic attacks. I know that if the time ever comes for them to come out, I’ll support them through it too.

But even though I have the full support of my Twitter friends, I know getting support from my IRL circles...won’t be so easy.

People from my IRL circles have access to my Twitter feed. Either I get followed (that’s rare) or someone happens to run across my tweets because of our mutual followers (my youth pastor has a Twitter account, and all of the youth group follows his account. Therefore, when he tweets me, they can see what my handle is and some of my tweets are.) Judging by some of the unfollows I’ve gotten recently, some of them are aware of my sexuality now.

I know not everyone agrees on the "issue" of homo/bisexuality, and I'm okay with that. It just becomes a problem when they start excluding people in the LGBT community simply because of our sexuality and/or gender expression. They believe we're sinners and shun us. A Christ-like attitude? Hell no. But a prevalent attitude around here nonetheless.

So you can understand why I have some reservations about going to youth group this upcoming Wednesday night. I don't expect people to be coming after me with pitchforks and torches, but I'm not exactly expecting a warm welcome. It all depends on who's seen what and who's told who.

Yeah. Keep me in your thoughts or prayers or whatever magical thing you like to do to give people good vibes and luck. I haven't been this nervous about going to youth group in a long time.

(Oh, and as of the writing of this post: One of the girls from my studio followed me earlier. Neither of us tweeted each other or interacted beyond her following me. Two hours later, she blocked me. I don't have to guess why.)