Believability With Fictional Characters and Depression

My novel (WIP), Prisoners of The Mind, has been an ongoing project all year. I wrote it for NaNoWriMo 2013, and then completely started over at the beginning of this year with it. My NaNo draft of it had no plot and it was an unholy (no pun intended) mess. xD Of course, I'm not on the same draft I started with in January. There have been lots of "false starts" that I've set aside. I can't count how many uncompleted versions I've set aside!

One of my main reasons for having restarted so many times is that I struggle with making the characters' actions believable. My four FMCs are in an alternative mental health institution and suffering from some pretty serious stuff (Abby and Keri are both diagnosed as schizophrenics, yet not the same kind, but that's for another blog post). While I have family members and friends who've suffered (and some who continue to suffer) from various mental illnesses, I still struggle with whether or not I'm portraying these illnesses correctly. I've done research, but I still worry. I don't want to romanticize it or completely misrepresent it (like I've seen done way too many times with dissociative identity disorder).

I myself have struggled with depression. Not just "oh I've had a bad day" kind of depression. I mean full-out, I hate myself and am completely inadequate kind of depression. While I won't go into why I've had these feelings, it's never been an easy thing to deal with. At 14 I wanted to cut myself, and at times I still do. I can't remember what particular thought/feeling triggered that urge. I told my mother that night, and while I completely advocate having a support buddy (because a lot of times it's kept me from taking drastic measures), part of me somewhat regrets telling her it that night. Or rather telling her when I was having an urge. She (unintentionally) made me feel uncomfortable about the whole thing. To this day I don't tell her when I want to cut or am feeling inadequate, etc. I have an online buddy whom I'll talk to, and that has saved me a lot of times from taking drastic measures. I am forever grateful for that friend.

Keri Lanier, one of my FMCs, is diagnosed with schizophrenia before she enters the institution. But she also has depression. A lot of times I find myself venting my feelings (past and present) through her. She is a lot like me, both in personality and what she is suffering from. This is therapeutic for me in so many ways, and I think that maybe since I'm putting so much real life experience into her, that she will be believable. I hope she is. Maybe too with venting through her, I can let go of some of my own angst, and hopefully come to love myself more.

I'm hoping to have this draft finished by December 31st. If I can get better with character believability (I have a beta reader and then another person who edits my chapters. They both give me excellent feedback on my story.), hopefully I can keep moving forward and meet my goal of having a completed second draft by December 31st!

Muting my inner editor with caffeine and drugs

Warning: This blog post was written "under the influence", so my thoughts may not be pieced together in the most coherent fashion.

Okay, not illegal drugs. Cough and congestion meds, because I am sick, and being doped up on this stuff helps my mind to relax and just write. Also caffeine because OMGZ THIS STUFF IS FLOWING THROUGH ME I'M ON THE TOP OF THE WORLD LET'S WRITE ALL THE THINGS.

I started getting into writing poetry last year, and as usual, I sucked. Reading back on my first poems (and even some stuff I wrote back 4 or 5 months ago) makes me cringe and want to run away.

But not all my poetry is bad, and this is something I need to understand. I've seen bits and pieces of my poetry that looks like it has promise. Sure some lines are going to need tweaking, but for the most part, the poem captured what I wanted to say.

Back near the end of August, I started submitting poetry. Of course, despite my minor edits, they still sucked. (Reading back on them now causes me no end of embarrassment.) And as usual, they got rejected. All three of them. But now that I've written more poetry and read some more, I understand what was fundamentally wrong with those poems and why they were rejected. Yet it's still hard not to become the slightest bit discouraged, y'know?

I don't plan on submitting anything again for a long time. During this lovely December, I'll be focusing on poetry more. God only knows what weird stuff I'll get out, but I can't edit a blank page. I have to write something, no matter how awful it is. Because it can be fixed. The first draft is for making a mess, revision is for making that mess something pretty.

But lately as I've sat down with my poetry notebook, I've found it hard to write a complete poem. I usually write out a couple of paragraphs before I stop completely, because my inner editor points out what is wrong and how much it sucks. Then I usually lose the energy to write any more on it, and I turn the page and try again. Rinse and repeat.

This has led to my free-writings some stuff. Not poetry, mind you, but prose-ish stuff. It's actually really fun, and most of the time I end up completing these pieces.

I never thought I'd have such trouble with my inner editor. I can write stories without it piping up too much (usually because I'm writing a story during NaNo), but when I start writing poetry, my IE is practically screaming at me. It's a strange and frightening experience.

So hopefully during these next few weeks, I can manage to make Her shut up for a while. I don't know how long I'll have an excuse to be doping myself up with these meds, seeing as I got sick on Sunday and am feeling a bit better now (but my cough/congestion is still here, just not as fierce). Either way, I'm going to keep going. I have to keep going, because I want to be a published poet one day. I can't edit a blank page.

Now to find a place to stash some more caffeine at....

You know what's hard? Writing poetry

I've been working hard lately. I've gotten a lot of great ideas for poems, even written out words on a brainstorming page that inspire me for a particular theme. But for the life of me, I cannot write a darn poem.

It's frustrating. I think that I'm slightly inhibited by my fear that I'll write another insanely crappy poem, and that I'll never be better. Having gotten 3 rejection slips a month or two ago, it's hard. I know why those poems got rejected (I suck at constructing metaphors.), and I know that work on my writings and be a better poet. But it's just so freaking hard.

Tomorrow I'll be making another attempt. Here's to hoping that I can write a few decent lines.